Polanski is Detained - AND ABOUT FUCKING TIME!

In 1977, Roman Polanski – then aged 42 – had sex with a girl of 13. He has now been detained in Switzerland under an international warrant, some 32 years after the offence. The reactions have been odious…Polanski was "thrown to the lions," said French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand. "In the same way that there is a generous America that we like, there is also a scary America that has just shown its face." Whaaat! This fuck had sex with a young girl, barely old enough to enter secondary school. French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said he hoped Polanski could be quickly freed by the Swiss, calling the apprehension a "bit sinister." Jesus Christ! What would the reactions have been had the young girl in question been their daughter. Somewhat different I would say and fervently hope.
Simply because Polanski is a film director of considerable note and talent, he appears, somehow, to be a special case. Had the offender been a working class nobody, the reactions would have been inevitably grossly different. Regardless of his fame, talent, riches and friends in high places, he is STILL a sickening, disgusting pervert.
Keep the bastard detained and have him extradited to the US. I hope that Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, does not bend to the warped, collective wills of those Poles and French who seek to have the pervert Polanski treated as some sort of hallowed person who does not deserve the justice meted out to other lesser-known evil sickos.

Why?

Why is it that practically everything intended for human consumption carries a long and and comprehensive list of ingredients, yet cigarettes and tobacco don’t. We’re bombarded with information regarding the dangers of smoking, yet we really don’t know what’s filling our lungs. Sure, we’ve seen the gory and explicit photos of what smoking can do to our organs…so, why no list of ingredients?

An Ode to Gordon Ramsay (Yep, More Bad Poetry)

Gordon fucking Ramsay sure is a fucking prick
All his fucking swearing makes me fucking sick
His use of fucking curse words drives me fucking mad
He thinks he’s fucking macho, it’s really fucking sad

You’re just a fucking cook, you foul-mouthed fucking twat
You don’t impress me one bit when you act like a fucking brat
Fuck this, fuck that, fuck me, fuck you - change the fucking script
It’s fucking quite pathetic to watch you come unzipped

Cooking is a task traditionally done by females
But they get by quite easily without any curse-word wails
Wanna hear my theory, about Gordon fucking Ramsay?
The swearing’s just a cover-up - to hide he’s fucking gay

Nothing wrong with being gay, accept it Gordon please
Stop your fucking swearing and do something special with peas
Try to be a nice guy - it surely wouldn’t hurt
Try coming out of the closet and cook in a frilly skirt

A Little Bit of (Bad) Poetry

A man smoked hand rolled cigarettes
But he was lazy as you can get
So he trained a lizard to lick the paper
Compared to a snake it was bound to be safer
The only problem he had with it
Was all his smokes tasted like lizard spit

One sad day his trained lizard died
The lazy smoker coughed and cried
“Now I’ll have do it all myself “
He cursed a bit…”Oh bloody hell”
He started to think of a different plan
While munching on a strawberry flan

He made a smoke - what an ordeal
“I’ve got it” he said “I’ll train an eel!”
After some thought and deliberation
His initial joy turned to consternation
“They’re slimy and slippery and live in water”
“Every smoke would taste like snotter”

Pretty soon he took up toking
A better proposition than just plain smoking
Only problem was it took more toil
That was something that made him boil
How to get stoned with minimum effort
He’d think of something - he was an expert

One day stoned, well out of his brain
Thinking of easier ways again and again
Maybe a snake wasn’t so bad an idea
To give his skins that saliva smear
Rolling was a chore he’d endure
But licking that glue, he wasn’t so sure

Zonked again, he captured a rattler
With a tongue just right for licking a rizla
He tried the snake out later that night
“Wonder if it’ll bite me?” Too fucking right!
Breathing his last he said to the snake
Go dig my grave, and organise my wake

Get off Your High Horse Archbishop!

The Archbishop of Canterbury has taken it upon himself to enter the row over MPs' expense claims.

He wrote in The Times, "Many will now be wondering whether the point has not been adequately made." I'm not wondering! Listen Dr Williams, with your not insignificant influence, you have effectively tried to make this mess dry up and disappear. That is unforgivable.

The public has been systematically robbed and you believe that we should now back off! Sorry Dr Williams, but you appear to have toppled from your moral high ground and lost track of reality.

The Archbishop's comments came after a statement from Conservative MP, Nadine Dorries, that there is a "McCarthy-style witch-hunt." What absolute crap! It bears no resemblance to the shameful McCarthy hearings. It is quite simple - if you have been a respectable MP and have not been involved in dodgy expense claims, then there is absolutely nothing to be frightened of.

Lastly...Gordon Brown, get up of your fat arse and DO SOMETHING! David Cameron is embarrassing you with his slick and effective handling of the widespread scandal (this from an avowed lefty, by the way)

UK - A Banana Republic

Ok, Ok, I know the UK is not a republic, but Parliament has displayed some odious similarities with the moniker.

Yep, I'm talking about the abuse of MPs' expense claims. There is no way I can look at the debacle and think...'ah well these things can happen.' These bastards have abused a generous system that has brought the whole House into disrepute. For example, certain MPs have continued to claim back mortgage interest payments after the mortgage had been paid off. Then they have the fucking cheek to say it was an "accounting error." A collective "PISS OFF" to you all! I don't know about you, but if I finally paid off a mortgage it would be a memorable day - not one to be lost in accounting errors.

"I made a mistake..." another sickenly common excuse. The only mistake made was that you were found out! These are the same pricks that are running the country, yet seem unable to come to grips with established rules. C'mon!!! We are not the fools you self-serving bastards think we are.

So many of these MPs are already quite tidily off in their own right, yet still choose to abuse and abuse and abuse the system. Some represent constituents who are living on the breadline....but who gives a shit about that, right?

Despite the plethora of excuses and apologies, one fact remains: A large number of MPs deliberately milked the ststem for all its worth and that can never be forgiven or forgotten.

I won't go through all the claim details - the BBC website does it far better - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8039273.stm

Lastly, thanks to the Daily Telegraph for opening the slippery and sleazy can of worms.

A Pictorial Interlude

Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

As a "lapsed catholic" (and Christian for that matter), some of the ill-considered and morally hidebound statements from the Vatican often leave me either angry or in despair, or both. The latest Papal faux pas was made in an announcement by Pope Benedict on Tuesday 17th March '09. "HIV/Aids is a tragedy that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which can even increase the problem." WHAAAT!

The statement was made as he began his visit to the African continent - a continent horrifically ravaged by the disease. His alternative? Abstinence. That's right...just don't do 'it.' C'mon, that may be a viable alternative for a man in his 80's, but for today's lovers it makes as much sense as trying to put out a fire with petrol.

Get a grip on reality! It has been a mammoth task to get Africans to use condoms in order to try and contain the disease. We are dealing with a less informed and culturally diverse population. Abstinence is light years away from a workable alternative and succinctly shows just how out of touch with the real world the rarified echelons of the Catholic Church are.

Hari-Kiri For The A.I.G. Fatcats

I've never been a fan of Republican politics or Republican politicians for that matter. However. Iowa Senator Charles Grassley is an exception. AIG was baled out to the tune of $170 billion of taxpayers money, yet it paid out $165 million in bonuses. Senator Grassley - like countless others - does not like it. Not one bit. He stated, "I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be removed," Grassley said, "But I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, I'm sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.

"And in the case of the Japanese, they usually commit suicide before they make any apology."

A spokesman later tried to backtrack on the comment, but I for one am glad that someone in public office had the balls to properly describe his disgust at the grasping greediness.

WELL DONE SENATOR GRASSLEY!

Fuck, Bastard, Bugger, Toss, Crap, Prick...

I am not averse to the odd curse-word or two - but, like countless others, circumstances dictate when I swear. "Fuck" is the archetypal four-letter word, so it seems as good a word as any to start a wee discussion on swearing and swearwords.

Wikipedia gives a rather good introduction to the word "Fuck"

"Fuck is an English word that, as a transitive verb, means "to have sexual intercourse with.

In the modern English-speaking world, the word fuck is often considered highly offensive. Most English-speaking countries censor it on television and radio. A study of the attitudes of the British public found that fuck was considered the third most severe profanity and its derivative motherfucker second. Cunt was considered the most severe (Hargrave, 2000). Some have argued that the prolific usage of the word fuck has de-vulgarized it, an example of the "dysphemism treadmill". Despite its offensive nature, the word is common in popular usage.

The highly profane term remains a taboo word to many people in English-speaking countries, while others feel the word remains inappropriate in social etiquette when used by a male in the presence of women. The word also carries a sacrilegious connotation to some. Many religious people oppose the use of profane, vulgar, and "curse" words which they see as offensive to a deity. Finally, it is considered highly offensive to utter the word in the presence of children.

Non-English-speaking cultures tend to recognize the word's vulgarity. However, it generally is not censored as frequently in those forums.

Proof of the more relaxed attitude about this English word in non-English countries was very publicly visible on billboards around the downtown of Paris, France in the early 1990s. They featured a woman sticking her tongue out in defiance, along with the slogan "Préservatifs Fuck le SIDA" ("Condoms fuck AIDS")
The Canadian Press now considers the word to be commonplace and has added usage advice to the Canadian Press Caps and Spelling guide."

There are several theories regarding the word's origin (some say as long as 500 years old). It seems to be generally agreed that word has Anglo Saxon/Germanic roots related to words such as rubbing, striking and having sex.

Okay, so much for the word 'fuck.' The English language is peppered with other curse words - a brief sample being: Bastard, Bugger, Crap, Toss(er), Prick and everyone's least favourite, the 'C' word.

Bastard literally means born out of wedlock. As far as I'm concerned it's open to debate as whether it's an insult or a genuine swearword.

Bugger has a literal meaning of anal intercourse. However, the strange thing is, more people are offended by Fuck than Bugger. If taken literally..."Fuck Me" means have 'sexual intercourse with me' and "Bugger Me" means 'have anal intercourse with me.' Bugger is rarely considered an extreme curse-word. In fact, many don't really see it as swearing. It seems that if you want to insult and shock anal intercourse doesn't do the trick nearly as effectively as sexual intercourse.

Toss is slang for male masturbation. A Tosser is a male masturbator, and as an insult is fairly innocuous. And why not? We've all had a solitary sexual experience on occasion. All pretty straightforward so far.

Crap is faeces. Yep, a smelly old turd. It is widely used and causes relatively little offence, yet we're talking about a bowel movement here.

Prick/Dick is a penis. It's usage is relatively common, but it lags some way behind 'Fuck' (sexual intercourse) when it comes to shock value.

Lastly, that nasty old "C" word - a vagina. Strangely - when one compares it's literal translation to other curses - this is reported to be the most offensive of swearwords - way, way ahead of 1. Fuck (Sexual Intercource) 2. Bastard (Born out of Wedlock) 3. Bugger (Anal Intercourse) 4. Toss (Male Masturbation) 5. Crap (Faeces) and 6. Prick/Dick (Penis).

It seems that swearing is in the ear of the (conditioned) listener. Personally...I couldn't give a toss/shit/fuck/bugger.

Shengus: An Ex-patriate Scot in South East Asia

There was a young man fae Cumbernod,
Who decided to gie Asia the Nod.
He goat oan a plane tae fly away fae the rain and
is noo living the life ae a lord.

Sex, Booze & Drugs (...and more sex)

Wierd Dong of...Fred Goodwin

The 'Weird dong' thing? Just an anagram of Fred Goodwin - the lovingly adored ex-chief of RBS.

None of this is new, and I may a get a date or two wrong (what else is new...). I've not bothered writing anything about this spectacularly failure of a piss-up in a brewery up until now - hoping there would be further developments. No doubt there will be, but with of an attention span only slightly better than a stupid amoeba with ADHD. I thought I'd better get something down. Politicians are 'outraged' - Me? I am immensely PISSED OFF! As indeed are plenty of others.

Some facts:
1. Goodwin is 50 years old (I won't use the 'sir' prefix because infers respect and I have as much respect for Goodwin as I do for The Boston Strangler)

2. He currently has a pension of £683,000 p.a. - i.e. over £1,8000 PER DAY!

3. This pension fund was doubled last October when he agreed to take early retirement - only, 'early retirement' in this case actually meant his arse was getting booted out the door. His cronies obviously thought driving a huge monolith into the ground deserved a reward. The only conclusions I can come up with are...

• His cronies on the board were shit-scared of him
• His cronies on the board loved him dearly
• His cronies on the board were sickeningly sycophantic and gripped by group-think
• His cronies on the board made positive changes to their own pension (this can only be a 'maybe' in the absence of corroborating facts)

4. Goodwin has a passion for restoring cars and for rugby - in the recent past, RBS sponsored motorsport and continues to sponsor rugby

5. RBS Recorded a loss of £24.1bn for 2008 - the largest ever recorded by a UK corporation

6. Goodwin said he had gave up a significant part of his salary as a "gesture" when he was negotiating his departure from the bank. Considering the stealthy nature of his mammoth pension tweak, this is laughable...On the Goodwin continuum of sacrifices this 'gesture' lies somewhere between having to throw out stale biscuits and giving a Fiver a year to Oxfam.

7. John Prescott has own ideas on getting back some of this vast sum of money..."The taxpayer has rescued them, there is billions of pounds involved, he's not entitled to this kind of pension, whether who knew about it or not, you can investigate that later. I believe basically take it off him and let him sue in the courts."

He blamed the former board of RBS for the "extraordinary" decision to award the "obscene" level of Sir Fred's pension. GO ON JOHN - WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE A GREAT RIGHT HOOK!!!

8. The Government plain and simply fucked up. They didn't ask the right questions. They didn't ask questions of the right people. They sought no clarification and didn't test their understanding of what was going on.

9. The initial bail-out amount was £20bn with a further £13bn when the disastrous financial results were posted

10. When ENRON went under due to gross mismanagement, the law firm undertaken to fight Enron were very successful. RBS has assets (liabilites?) in the US - might Goodwin feel some heat from the USA?

11. The purchase of ANB AMRO has been blamed for the ultimate demise of RBS. It has been alleged that RBS bought the company before goining through their financial statements with a fine toothed comb - an accustation leading RBS to issue words to the effect that "Due Dilligence" had been followed. Oh Really? It transpired that ANB AMRO was not worth the corporate stationery it was printed on. Literally.

Wanker Bankers

James had a particularly bad day at the RBS office. As he pulled into his tree-lined driveway, he almost forgot to hit the remote for the walnut garage doors - a ding in his Daimler would have been the icing on an exceptionally unsavoury cake.

Martha, as usual, was at the front door to greet him. She sensed something was wrong. No smile on James’ face, no “Hello Pippin,” no humming “I did it my way” slightly out of tune.

He threw down his crocodile skin briefcase, narrowly missing one of the slender legs of the Chippendale side table.

After he poured himself a stiff G & T and slumped into the Chesterfield, Martha sat beside him. "What's wrong Jamie-Jim?"
"Those pinko lefties have capped our bonuses!"
Martha tried to be consoling, "Oh dear. I know how you love counting all the zeros on your bank statements."

James was getting more riled, "What's more, we're getting share options instead of cash!"
A little confused his wife asked, "What are share options?"
"As buggered as Oscar Wilde if I know. I'm a banker, not some doctor of economics! I take a lot of money from rich people, take a share for the bank, then pass it on to another bunch of rich people and I get a bonus. That's how its always been, until those Labour louts got in on the act."

There was a short respite in the conversation - Martha knew that her husband needed time to calm down when the topic of the Labour Party came up.

"Erm...should we go ahead with the dinner party in two weeks time dear?"
James thought for a bit..."Yes, but try and keep the numbers down to around thirty. Oh...and you'd better cancel the string quartet. Sorry Pippin, but we'll have tighten our belts a tad."

"I know dear. I've an idea. Why don't I get out some of your old bank statements and we can count all the zeros together."

"Capital idea Pippin!"

3 Reasons Why You Should Buy the Daily Mail

1. The crossword

2. Toilet roll emergency

3. tHe BAlanCEd anD ReaSoneD polITicAl stANce
Eh? Did I just Write that? NURSE! NURSE! Bring me my medication quick! I'm getting delusional!

The Clash Protocol

The Clash Protocol is bestowed to a select few of the band’s most ardent followers. We’re not a secret society - although I haven’t a clue who else is in possession of the document or even how it came into being. Nonetheless, it’s a document that’s as important any country’s constitution.

Article 1 of the Protocol is clear and explicit…”You may listen to the Clash anywhere, anytime and as LOUD as you desire.”It is this particular protocol I was following the other morning at about 1:30 am. I had “London Calling” playing loud enough to make my ears bleed. There was a hammering on the door and when I answered it, this huge guy with a head like a giant turnip, cauliflower ears and a nose like a squat parsnip was standing there clearly unhappy about something…”Turn that fucking noise down!” Noise??? I guess he meant The Clash. I tried to reason with him, “But it’s the Clash…” Nothing registered…”London Calling by the Clash?” Still nothing. “Haven’t you heard of The Clash Protocol?” The cauliflower ears pricked up a little…”What’s a Robert Ludlum book got to do with that fucking din?”

I was getting nowhere. “Sorry, but I’m duty-bound not to turn down the volume.” Mr Turnip head was now becoming Mr Beetroot head. This guy was getting angry and frustrated (if only he’d read the Protocol he’d be less incensed).

“Turn that shite down or I’ll stick your hi-fi up your arse!” Normally an impossible act, but with this guy I wasn’t so sure. Nonetheless he’d breached Article 2...”You will uphold your respect for The Clash and will not tolerate any scorn, disparagement, denigration or abuse of the band.” It is quite specific too, “…should any such insults be forthcoming you will inflict bodily harm on the errant critic (e.g. head butt or punch) - be it your grandmother or your little sister.”

Looking this vegetable monster up and down I was beginning to think that John Denver may have been a safer choice of music - regardless of the permanent damage to my psyche.

Anyway, I mustered up all my courage (a little bagful) and strength (a smaller bagful) and head-butted him. The net result was bugger-all pain for him and I bounced back about two feet away from where I originally stood. His reaction was quicker than I’d expected. He picked me up by my tee-shirt and delivered a punch to my stomach that threatened to expel all my internal organs through my mouth and arse.

“Okay, I’ll turn it down. Sorry for the inconvenience…sir” I added the ‘sir’ part to avoid possible death.

Fuck him…I went back in, kept the volume way up (and put my headphones on). Had I bothered to read Article 14 of The Protocol, I would have realised that headphones are acceptable…

A Couple More Vids
LONDON CALLING - FEATURING BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, DAVE GROHL & ELVIS COSTELLO (I think)



A PERSONAL FAVOURITE